love~

when i first drafted 'Cinta Teh Tarik', i was on bus 55 on the way back from lectures in barbican. i scribbled scene by scene all that i can imagine. i had no idea how many people will be involve. i had no idea what performance/dancing/singing anyone can do. it was just.. an idea. and at that moment, it doesnt matter to me whether anyone was going to perform it or not. it was my simple idea.

a simple idea.

i love teh tarik.

i have a bit of an obsession with teh tarik.

couple of years back, i thought we should do a sorta amazing race in london to search for the best teh tarik around town.

and i love to write.

i have imagination the size of an elephant. maybe more. definitely more.

when i read a book, its like i can watch the whole thing in my head.

anyway, back to the play.

when i wrote the story. i wanted to evoke emotions in the audience. and i do that by putting myself as the first audience. how do i evoke emotions from myself. i wanted to make a happy store, a sad story, a story of family, a story of love, a story of friendship and most importantly a story that can showcase malaysia. but not just malaysia. it is also about being in london.

the story comes from my imagination, but it is also inspired by my experience living in london for the last few years. all the friends that flew with me, all the new friends that i make, all the people that i meet, all the places that i visited. London is such a wonderful place to live, but Malaysia will always be there in my heart.

every story needs a twist. when i was thinking of the twist, it went from; one day Boy (Shah) didnt see Girl (Atie), and it turns out Girl actually works at the cafe; to Boy found out he's engage to someone only to find out its actually Girl. But then, i thought, that's too typical.
I wanted an impact. This impact is based on what happen to a dear friend of mine, unfortunately she lost her father when she was in 2nd year. She was studying in Sheffield at the time, and i remembered all of my friends in London at the time was with her the whole time she was waiting for the flight back to Malaysia. It is most devastating news that one can ever get when studying abroad. God forbid it happening to anyone, but in a play, in a story, it can happen. i can make it happen. So for this, i pay tribute to Aishah Salim and her family with this story. Part of this story is dedicated to her.

and for the rest of the story, it's not based on anything or anyone, its purely a figment of my imagination. all the characters are not based on anyone, hmm.. is it? nope, definitely not. dont think so.

finally, i'd like to thank the whole production crew for making it a reality. i havent really been around during practice, but for that i'm glad. because, it made the whole show a touch more special. you probably cant imagine how many times i'd play the scenes in my head when i was writing it. well, you probably can. but, there were nights that i'd dream about the scenes just because i was thinking about it too much. it was all worth it.

i'm glad you guys made it the way it did. it was a pleasure watching it.

i bloody hell wrote the script, but i still enjoyed it. i'm guessing, everyone else did too.

if they dont, then too bad for them. But, i think it was a splendid job!

Kudos!

xx

p.s: trivia: the skype scene is loosely based on a scene from himym. can u guess which one im talking about? =)

i think i'm one step closer to solving my dilemma.

maybe going back to Malaysia to work isnt such a bad idea.

wait..

maybe not yet..

i've been trying to word it out in writing..

and everytime i try to type it out..

i seem to want to delete and reword..

as if i'm still not ready to admit it yet.


sighs..

iro-iro

so today had a short chat with my sister in malaysia.. that got me really thinking about the future..
not that far into the future..
probably in the next 5 years definitely..

the way my brain is headed right now..

... not very ambitious..

i feel maybe i should just go back to malaysia, work for the government for the rest of my career..

even though its actually quite a good idea (i get to take care of my parent, aunt n uncle and grandma), a small voice inside of me sometimes whisper that i'm just considering that choice as an easy way out..

that small voice used to be much louder and much more optimistic.. i was dreaming of the world in my hand. and when i dream, i really believe that i can do it. that it was possible, if i tried and work hard enough.

but as the years gone by, i find that the voice inside of me is slowly fading away. in a tiny voice, it timidly says that i should just give up my dreams and just work as the profession.

i'm slowly losing my passion. i used to think that passion was enough to take me wherever i want.
*my old self.. would have pressed the delete button and change the above statement into a confident "passion WILL take me wherever i want"*

i really need to do something about this fleeting feelings of mine.. and salvage the faith that i still got for myself and think of a way to make it grow again.

i know it sounds as if i'm just being half-assed about medicine.. u know what? i am.. for the first time since i made the decision to do medicine, i'm finally having doubts..

Please God, i want to soo meet my old self. She would really just slap me in the face and say BUCKLE UP! I hope i can be that person again. Full of optimism, have faith, and believe in her own capabilities.

Amin.

*******************************************************************************

now, back to iro-iro..

the way i see it.. there's a few options..
roughly:
1) stay in UK for as long as possible
2) foundation in UK then back msia or spore
3) spore
4) msia

i will try and draw up some plans..

hmm..

but.. i am somehow conditioned not to plan for my future..
because everytime i try, the results will MOST DEFINITELy NOT according to plan.. =(





love,
iman

seasonal affective disorder?

many things has happen..
or maybe nothing has happen of the late..

im at a point in my life where i have nothing figured out..
after being so sure about everything..
ive finally hit the lowest average..
i guess its better than rock bottom..
but it is still kinda depressing..

not knowing..

i guess ive never really been sure about everything.

i was just a bit more optimistic before..

now, im just getting by..

where have my optimism gone?

its like all my confidence that i had since high school just went downhill ever since i chose this profession.

i guess, there wasnt much confidence to begin with..

i've always been someone who have not much to offer anyway..

sighs..

on another cheerios note, and more personal note.. i told my mom that i havent gotten my P in a while.. right after i said it, i kinda regretted it.. as in when i actually said it, i was afraid my mom would take it differently.. of which she did..
first thing she asked was "do u have a bf?"
its funny when i know then exactly what she was thinking of..
to answer the question, no i dont have a boyfriend.. and no i'm not pregnant.. DEFINITELY not..
it i were, then, there really is MIRACLE in this world..

i guess, it'd probably made sense in this western world.. but anyone who really know me.. would know that i'm just not that type of girl.. the one who would give in to guys.. and get knocked up..
i mean, even though my confidence in myself is pretty low.. my self worth is definitely much more than that..
another way to see it is that i'm just not a risk taker.. no matter how bad ass i seem.. or may not seem so.. i'll never do things that i think will ruin my future.. i take calculated risk, but i will never cross the line..

so, why is it that P havent visited me? i think its lost its cycle.. jsut as i have lost the locus of my conscious mind.. i need to find it back..
i need to find back the meaning of life. regain back the faith that i used to have for my self..

i guess, u can say that i'm at a low time of my life..

or maybe its just the weather..

xx

i saw a vaginal delivery.

need i say more.

well, maybe.. but later.. now, im just going to.. reflect on what i saw..

+_+